The Ride.

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I am going to try not to complain too much about my life here. Forgive me if it sounds that way, but, I have a lot on my mind, my plate is full…..and my cup runneth over, with good stuff, so I will get to that, too.
A couple of days ago, I was headed to meet a client in Lambertville and I happened to pass my mother, who was walking her dog down the street. Though we do not speak, for lots of reasons, and I have a lot of anger towards her, all I felt when I saw her familiar gait was intense sadness and longing. It was disconcerting and though I am not looking to make any changes to our relationship status, it made me think…and feel a feeling towards her that I have not felt in a long time…love.
But, that is only part of the picture and only a very small part of what is on my mind…it got me thinking about what love really means and how much I am willing to do for someone I say that I love. I am currently in the process of doing a few things on behalf of my brother…things that I hope will improve his life (and mine) and things that I have to fix….mainly because of issues, if not directly created by my mother, then definitely impacted by her approach to life. So, in addition to the sadness, the anger and the love, there is plenty of resentment. But, I love my brother and will do whatever I can to ensure his well-being. So, in this case, love is an action word….and, not just a feeling. Which it should be. *I just hope he knows that*
All of these thoughts inevitably bring me back to my father and how much I miss him. My father provided a safe haven, an even keel and a fair voice in the midst of lots of chaos….always, even when he was sick. Love in action. After a difficult, but, reinforcing appointment with my brother this morning, I decided to drive past this property that I have had my eye on for a few years. As I approached, I turned on the radio, knowing I would hear The Rolling Stones. I knew they would be on, because every time I drive past that property there is a Stones song playing. They were not on the station the radio was tuned to, but, I switched to 98.1 and there they were….like he was telling me that he was there…like he always does. I have also been thinking a lot about my dad, because, well, I just do, and because we have decided to sell his vacation house, something I don’t really want to do, but, know needs to be done. Though it kills me to do this, I know it’s what he would want us to do…and, at least have one last good time there before we say goodbye.
Last night, Paul and I went to dinner and I looked across the table at him and felt an incredible surge of love for him…this man who has been by my side through all of this, has taken it upon himself to make sure that Rocco eats something, that the cats always have treats, that we always have food in our house (and toilet paper and tooth paste) and just felt love. For a minute, all of our baggage fell away, and things felt easy. I remembered that 5 years ago this week, we had our first date and we argued about who kissed who first. It was fun. We don’t often have moments like that, because life is so filled with stuff and dogs and business and….well, life. It was a nice moment of free and easy enjoyment of each others company. I could use more of those.
This afternoon, I was laying on the couch with Rocco, Savannah and Zooby while Paul napped with Hazel and Trixie. I was thinking about how complicated things can be…and how simple. I was thinking that the love I feel for Zooby is the purest and most uncomplicated love I have…this cat who snuggled up next to me and purred like a machine is never nasty, he is never moody…he is simply happy and loving. ALL. THE. TIME. Zooby is a lesson for me to learn, of that I am sure.
I can’t offer you a moment of Zen….but, I can offer you a moment of Zooby ;)

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9 responses »

  1. The Rolling Stones message is very cool. So is love and your dogs and cats. And Paul sounds awesome. Thank you for sharing this story with me. I know things are going to turn out right for you. Hang in there.

  2. It’s funny you wrote this when you did, because in bringing a foster into our home I realized just how wonderful my husband is. Also, confirming how great our relationship is. We didn’t NEED to bring another dog into the house, but we did and we did it together. It’s nice to know that among all the negative in the world positive and happy moments creep up to remind you what to appreciate :) Really enjoyed this post :)

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