(This Will Be) The Last Time.

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If you’ve been reading my posts, you may have noticed that I do not say much about my mother. That is because I do not have much of a relationship with her. There are many reasons for this…and I don’t really intend to go into those reasons with any depth. They are long- standing, deep and personal. Just know that I have a lot of anger and sadness about this, I don’t blame her for it, but, it is safer for me this way.
I just figured I would mention it, since if I was reading someone’s blog regularly and saw something noticeably missing I would wonder about it. But, since I have always intended to make this blog a place about love….in the words of Mick Jagger…This will be the last time.
So, where does that leave me? I no longer have an anchor to this area without my dad around and I am currently experiencing a plethora of thoughts (undoubtedly grief-related) that run the gamut from getting a puppy to moving to Trinidad, the island-nation my husband is from. Who knows, I have no decisions to make right now, but I am rather enjoying my fantasy about setting up a bed and breakfast in the Caribbean…maybe on the beach, on the neighboring island Tobago…with my husband and brother running a beachside “Rum Shop” next door.  Of course, I would bring the new puppy (that I am not getting) and the rest of our zoo. Oh, and as a bonus, Paul just informed me that there are plenty of dogs running around on the islands…so, of course this means I will also be setting up an animal sanctuary.
These thoughts are only serving one purpose right now: to soften the grief I am feeling. To try to look forward with a sense of hope. But, who knows…crazier things have happened and I kind of like the idea of trying a whole new way of life. I also think my dad would like it…especially since we “decided” that the bar on the beach would be called “Big Jim’s”.
I very deliberately chose to live here in New Hope when I returned from Baltimore….I wanted some place a little bit removed from the hustle and bustle of city life and the sameness of suburban life. I didn’t want to deal with parking wars (so I avoid my cute little town on weekends) or endless malls, TGIFs and Targets…..though I do love Target and sometimes lament the fact that the closest one is almost 30 minutes away. I wonder how I would adjust to a considerably simpler way of life. To a slower rhythm. Could I do it? Could my brother? How would Paul re-adjust? I don’t know about any of those things…but, I can see my airy B and B, which is decorated in all white, with billowing curtains, comfy couches and a deck over-looking the ocean and the lush greenery. Pretty thoughts, but, the reality is that I am only focusing on them with such detail because I am trying to keep the sadness at bay. The truth is, I am very afraid of it. I am afraid that the sadness will turn into depression and I don’t think I can take any more of that this year.
For now, I will comfort myself with pretty fantasies, take in the many, many kind thoughts that have been sent my way and allow myself the moments of torrential grief that seem to hit at the most random times. I have gotten through this week by focusing on love, rather than loss. I have looked around and recognized that I know some truly incredible people and am blessed beyond belief…..and, I hope some of you will come visit us at Big Jim’s Rum Shop 🙂

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5 responses »

  1. Oh Lori what a beautiful tribute to your Dad…I would of course come visit you there…although I would miss you not being here…but it sounds like it would be good for the soul…I don’t know what kind of situation you dealt with over your parents divorce but there is usually one parent left bitter sometimes…whatever the case may be find the comfort in knowing you stayed close to your Dad…Bill’s kids were turned so against him that they haven’t had anything to do with him and downright hate him and despise Jimmy and me…I only pray and wished they could have a change of heart. Divorce is sad for everyone involved but NEVER should kids be a part of that bitterness…you are a very well rounded woman and you are a great person. You are your Father’s daughter for sure…<3

  2. What about Jerkin Jim’s? I would work for you at your B&B!I have always wanted to live in the Carribean……what a simple life it would be!

  3. If we are going to do this we should start planning now. Time goes so quickly and before you know it will just become something we wished we did.

  4. Lori – I whole heartedly agree with Paul. We only get one chance to live & fulfill dreams. If you have the opportunity to do this…..it just maybe your Dad showing you the way. I love you & would come & stay whereever you set up your home.

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