….that’s what my head is today, hey, hey.
I am so happy to be back at work…despite my fears that I would be a mess and unable to deal. Turns out, that, for now, at least…it is exactly what I need. I work for an agency which employs incredible people, full of generosity and caring. I am also fortunate to have a caseload of clients who, for the most part, are genuinely nice people, so all of that makes it easier. I did not expect that work would be a good distraction…I thought I would find it irritating, but, I am happy to find that I was wrong. My clients have been happy to see me and I am happy to have re-established a routine.
My insides are tied up in a knot. My back and neck are killing me and I feel a deep unrest. I spent much of the last few years thinking that I had limited options and kind of resigned myself to that. My dad was sick, my husband unemployed and the economy tanked. I was afraid, and, though going to graduate school was a good distraction and helped me feel like I was moving forward…over time it began to feel like more of an obligation than something I desired. Not that I didn’t enjoy it…I did, at times. I like writing papers, getting my thoughts together and having interesting discussions in class….plus, I have made some great friends there. What I don’t like is the time committment, the expense and the hoops I will have to jump through to be licensed. All to make more money. At something I enjoy, but, I don’t know….So, I know now is not the time to be making big decisions…but, I am seriously considering not going back. If I don’t, I’ll be a two time grad school drop-out. I *think* I am ok with that. Now, school might be a good distraction, too….but, I got some big sh*t I gotta take care of now that my dad is gone, and feel like that has to be my priority. My dad left me a note, which I wrote about in a previous post, that also says I am being asked to step-up and step into bigger shoes. He wore a size 13….so, these shoes are literally big- and they are just as big metaphorically. I’m scared…but, also excited…I think there is huge potential for growth if things are handled properly and I allow myself some faith and trust in the process.
It’s a weird feeling when you have lots of options and just as unsettling as when you feel like you have very few. For me, anyway. For right now, I have to go to work, I have to pay down my debt…I have to help my brother get on his feet. After that….I can do almost whatever I want. I CAN move to Tobago if we choose….I CAN start my own non-profit, or I can just keep doing what I am doing. It’s daunting, and not a class of problems I would have thought I’d encounter. And, what’s really disconcerting is that I don’t have my father to bounce things off of. I feel thoroughly untethered. It’s weird…maybe someday I will feel a sense of freedom….but, not today. Today, I feel like a birthday balloon that escaped the bunch and is just floating on the wind.
I am grateful, for now, that through my haze of confusion that I was able to see that today was an extraordinarily beautiful day. Maybe, that’s all I need to know for right now. Oh, and I am getting grief-related ink. A tattoo to honor my dad and his love for The Rolling Stones…like this one….