Paint it Black.


…like my mood.
My dad is gone a month tomorrow. In that month, I have learned a few things about myself. One of those things is that down-time is my enemy. I used to both look forward to and dread Sundays. I looked forward to them, because it is the most relaxed day of the week….I dreaded them, because they lead directly into Monday. Those dual emotions have shifted a bit over the past few weeks, and as much as I have always said I hate it- I need the structured time that work offers. My mind goes in too many directions otherwise. It’s not good…I dwell on missing my dad’s voice and think about how much I would give up to have him back. And…I would give up everything. Just to have seen him one more time…to have one more conversation…to tell him that I love him.
It seems that there are quite a few things that I need to re-think and try to do differently. Nothing like forced change. While all of this has my head spinning, the truth is that I have known for a long time that there are things I need to do differently. I need to take better care of my health. I am sore all the time. So, I am thinking about taking a Yoga class called “Yoga for stiff people”. Seriously, that’s what it’s called. Should be perfect for me. I am also thinking about going to a meditation room in Lambertville. Maybe, if I go someplace where I can just “be”, I’ll learn how to just be. And, accept my thoughts and let them come and go. Maybe if I go someplace where there are no distractions or reminders, I’ll be able to accept them when they pop up…maybe, I will learn to smile at them, instead of cry or get cranky (like I did today). I don’t really know what to do…I just know that what I am doing is not working. The only thing that seems to be working is….working. When I am at my office or with my clients, or working on something on their behalf…I feel okay. But, left to my own devices, I feel groundless and unfocused. My thoughts circle back to my dad…to growing up…to my parent’s divorce….to my brother…to what to do next. It’s annoying. In some ways, it’s nothing new…it just feels heavier and lonelier now. I know all of this is about finding inner peace and that wherever I go, I bring me. but, at least at the meditation room, barking dogs are less likely to irk or distract me. The phone won’t ring, the laundry won’t be yelling “FOLD ME!!” in my face.
My brother, Paul and I are going to Deerfield Beach for 4th of July. We will be staying at “the Florida place”…my dad’s condo on the beach. I am so looking forward to this trip because to me, more than anyplace else, it holds memories of my dad. Eventually, we will have to sell it, but, for right now, I can’t wait to walk up the stairs and feel him. It was his. We have all used it throughout the years, but, it has long been my dad’s place. Maybe I will find some peace there. Maybe all I will feel are the February through April renters. I hope not…I hope to find his hand-written note next to thermostat reminding everyone to turn the A/C up before they leave and his drawer-full of beach shorts and tee shirts. It will be hard, I know this. But, I am hopeful for some healing there.
Life is so crazy and unpredictable, and, I am grateful for the predictable things…like Savannah following Paul around as he ate granola earlier…it made me laugh and realize that life does go on. I am grateful that Paul went to Redbox to get a movie…a simple thing like watching a movie gives me a goal and something to focus on. All I have to do is watch and for a little while, I won’t be just wandering from place to place. I am grateful for Facebook and that I can go back and look at all the comments my dad made on my pictures. I am grateful, too, that I can turn off the computer if it becomes too much.
Now…if only I could do that with my mind 😉


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