Rolling in the Deep.


Love, love, love that song, but, it’s not what I am writing about. It just seems a worthy descriptor for how I am feeling. I continue to have a deep sorrow about losing my father. I am knee deep in undone projects. One of my clients completed our program today, and I have a deep concern about her ability to succeed. I am deeply grateful for Paul and our household menagerie.
The client who I wrapped up with today received her Section 8 voucher a few months ago, but I stuck with her because I knew that without our support, she will be totally lost. She has zero family support, no car, no money and, if I am honest, little chance at success. Which makes me very, very sad. It also makes me keenly aware of how very blessed and fortunate I am. I have no conception of what it must feel like to lose the one support I have. I can’t imagine going through my days feeling like it is me against the world…having to fight for everything I have….and having every thing be second-hand. This woman’s reality is so vastly different than mine, and my hope for her so strong. Because, she is strong. She has been dealt a crappy hand, and though she struggles greatly in so many ways, she managed to complete her semester with B’s in all of her classes. Despite earning her GED at age 41, having no car, little financial resources and pretty much me being the only one to cheer her on, she has told me that she has no plans to stop going to school and bought “professional attire” at the second-hand store today so that she is prepared if a job interview comes her way. This woman’s story fills me with so many emotions…guilt being not the least of them. Guilt for having what I take for granted…a job, a car, a built-in support system. My guilt led me to purchase jumbo packs of paper towels and toilet paper for her and her son as a parting gift. You can’t buy those things on food stamps, therefore, they are highly valued and cut into her paltry monthly child support payments. I don’t know about you, but, I don’t think anyone should have to suffer the indignity of not being able to afford toilet paper.
As for those undone projects, I have a half- completed garden and our courtyard immediately struck me as looking very white trash when I got home. Paul assured me that this is not possible, first, because he is not white…and second, because there are no tires laying around, or cars up on blocks. Point taken, but, our courtyard is a sort of external expression of my current inner life…a little messy, a bit disheveled and lacking proper care. My heart and mind seem to be over-whelmed with emotions, running from sadness to gratitude, from anger to joy, with very little middle ground. I have yet to make it to the meditation room…but, I am getting a massage tomorrow afternoon as a way to help me just relax. And see if I can just be with me for a while…..I will NOT be engaging in polite conversation with the massage therapist…you hear me? I WILL NOT!! This may not be as hard as I fear, as Lisa and I will be going on a sad mission earlier in the day. My dad had purchased bottles of fine wines to give to his lung doctor and his surgeon and we are bringing them by their offices tomorrow morning. I know that’s what he would want us to do. He would not want that wine sitting and not being enjoyed. So, we will do this and it will be another check mark on the long list of reminders and of life going on.
I may or may not be a mess right now. I am really not sure. I think that’s ok..I am doing things to ensure I am not a mess in the long run. Therapy…working…planning a future with my husband…taking walks with the dogs…moisturizing my tattoo regularly (which is still not completely healed, BTW).
The gerbera daisies can wait until tomorrow to go into the ground…the deer are only gonna eat them, anyway 😦


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