Monthly Archives: June 2011

12 and a wake-up.

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That’s how long until we go on vacation. By we, I mean my husband, my brother and I. I think we all can’t wait to get out of Dodge for a few days. You know, that whole change will do you good thing. I hope to float in the pool and the ocean and leave some of my worries there. I also hope that the Phillies beat the Marlins again at the game we are going to with some of my dad’s friends 🙂
Sometimes, lately, I feel like a spinning top. My sense of peace and purpose has been severely altered. I don’t know who I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to be doing. I hate it. Sometimes, I have so much junk going through my head that I have to remind myself that I have gone through tough times before. That I have made it through those, and become stronger for them. Problem is, I don’t believe myself…..or, that this is the same. But, way deep down inside, I still have hope. I refuse to give that up. Maybe it is all I need, and my quest for answers and resolution is serving no purpose other than driving me bonkers.
So, Sunday is Father’s Day. I was thinking today how I would give anything to be struggling to come up with a gift idea for my dad. How I wish I was seeing Paul browsing cooking sites looking for the perfect recipe for the day. We will be spending the day at Lisa’s, enjoying a barbeque, probably laughing and reminiscing, and hoping that my dad is watching and happy to see us together. There are so many “firsts” to get through and this one feels very sad. The Father’s Day commercials are driving me crazy, I never realized how something 30 seconds or less could impact the rest of my day so much.
As usual, I take solace in and have gratitude for the little things….Savannah snuggled by my side, Paul sharing some delicious ice cream with me (Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack….yum), and that I have the day off tomorrow. For Flag Day…which was Tuesday. Apparently, years ago, my agency decided that they should honor Flag Day….by having a long weekend in the same week. How random is that? I’m certainly not complaining, though!
Another thing I am grateful for: my family…every last member…human, canine and feline. Even Trixie 😉 *She’s the smaller one, with the much bigger attitude*. I almost said “cat-itude”, but I just can’t….sorry.

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Paul the Great.

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Today, my husband proved to me why I married him. It’s not the first time….he makes gravy for the dogs and lets them sleep in our bed, and I can’t underestimate those gestures.
Today, though, he made me really see what love is. I asked him to do something very important, difficult and I’m sure, uncomfortable. His answer: “that’s not a problem”. Just like that….done.  No questions asked. I am amazed, and I guess I shouldn’t be…but, I bring with me a questionable relationship history. Seems I must have learned something along the way. Like, love should be easy. Compassion should come before proving your point. Saying you care about someone should be backed up with actions that prove it. Maybe, Paul is helping me learn those things.
My husband is a good person. More than good, really….he is extraordinary. He is kind and funny. He loves our animals. He waters my plants. He deals with my obnoxious moods and my complicated family. Paul is the kind of person who you instantly feel comfortable around. He smiles easily and hasn’t let the circumstances of our life together bring him down…and, believe me…the first 3 years of our marriage have not been easy. But, they have been full of love, learning and laughter. He has made me a better person. He’s not perfect, but, he is perfect for me.
I don’t know that I believed that I would ever find love. For a long time, I considered myself too flawed or unworthy. Boy, am I glad I let go of all that…because then I would have missed out on this 🙂

Overwhelmed.

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The word seems to perfectly sum up how I am feeling right about now. I feel as if my life has imploded, and though I know it isn’t completely true, I feel like I have little control over any of it. Seems I got so good at living a drama-free life, that I forgot just how crappy drama feels. It’s a good thing my coping skills have improved, otherwise, I’d be drowning myself in vodka right about now.
I have known my whole life that I would eventually inherit certain responsibilities, I just didn’t know that they would be so big. I have learned more about worry and panic in the past few weeks than I had in the entirety of the previous 41 years. Not fun. I have also tried to maintain my job, my marriage, my friendships and my sanity. Oh, and my sense of humor…which, has gotten decidedly nastier.
Here’s the thing about trying times: you learn who your friends are. Really. I know at least one person who hasn’t learned that yet…hence, my overwhelm-ed-ness (not a word, I know). But, in my own efforts to maintain my sanity, I have made more of an effort to connect with the people who matter to me. Though I may be somewhat out-going and friendly, I don’t really consider myself to be very social. I tend to be fairly content spending time alone, and, at times, making plans with people and following through are not my strong suit. After my father died, I realized that this wasn’t going to work. Though I still want to be alone almost all the time, I know it’s not what I need.
The people who care about me have proven to me what it means to “be there”, these are not people who just talk the talk….they walk the walk. In case you don’t know who you are…Pam, Stacy, Carla, Karen, Steve & Sally, Lauri, Marci, Amy, Kim & Gilda; you have all lightened my load considerably over the past few weeks, just by spending time talking to or being with me, listening to me and providing some relief and laughter. If Paul would lay off the Ibanez and flea jokes, I could say the same about him. Kidding, of course Paul has been there for me. It’s just that nasty sense of humor kicking in. In fact, I need Paul’s jokes to help maintain a sense of normalcy. When your world has fallen off it’s axis, there’s nothing like a little husband-y double-talk to snap you out of it.
Sometimes, I am amazed to find that I have any sense of humor left at all. Or, that I have any gratitude left in me. But, I do and am always surprised to find myself able to focus on anything other than my fear, worry or panic. Interesting thing about life….it really does go on.