The word seems to perfectly sum up how I am feeling right about now. I feel as if my life has imploded, and though I know it isn’t completely true, I feel like I have little control over any of it. Seems I got so good at living a drama-free life, that I forgot just how crappy drama feels. It’s a good thing my coping skills have improved, otherwise, I’d be drowning myself in vodka right about now.
I have known my whole life that I would eventually inherit certain responsibilities, I just didn’t know that they would be so big. I have learned more about worry and panic in the past few weeks than I had in the entirety of the previous 41 years. Not fun. I have also tried to maintain my job, my marriage, my friendships and my sanity. Oh, and my sense of humor…which, has gotten decidedly nastier.
Here’s the thing about trying times: you learn who your friends are. Really. I know at least one person who hasn’t learned that yet…hence, my overwhelm-ed-ness (not a word, I know). But, in my own efforts to maintain my sanity, I have made more of an effort to connect with the people who matter to me. Though I may be somewhat out-going and friendly, I don’t really consider myself to be very social. I tend to be fairly content spending time alone, and, at times, making plans with people and following through are not my strong suit. After my father died, I realized that this wasn’t going to work. Though I still want to be alone almost all the time, I know it’s not what I need.
The people who care about me have proven to me what it means to “be there”, these are not people who just talk the talk….they walk the walk. In case you don’t know who you are…Pam, Stacy, Carla, Karen, Steve & Sally, Lauri, Marci, Amy, Kim & Gilda; you have all lightened my load considerably over the past few weeks, just by spending time talking to or being with me, listening to me and providing some relief and laughter. If Paul would lay off the Ibanez and flea jokes, I could say the same about him. Kidding, of course Paul has been there for me. It’s just that nasty sense of humor kicking in. In fact, I need Paul’s jokes to help maintain a sense of normalcy. When your world has fallen off it’s axis, there’s nothing like a little husband-y double-talk to snap you out of it.
Sometimes, I am amazed to find that I have any sense of humor left at all. Or, that I have any gratitude left in me. But, I do and am always surprised to find myself able to focus on anything other than my fear, worry or panic. Interesting thing about life….it really does go on.


6 responses »

  1. Not only does life go on; it does get better. I feel for you, m’friend & right now maybe that’s all I can do-empathize & say “Go Lori!” I’m glad you have a blog, venting always seemed to be part of your process. Today felt kinda like being in that staff office…

  2. I know you are not a religous, god fearing person and neither am I but I do believe God does not give us anything we can’t handle. It may be hard (stressful, frustrating, sad, etc) but you will get through it. You are a strong woman and you are always doing for others (both human and non-human); but one thing to remember is to take care of yourself. It is so easy to forget your own needs in times like this….so something little for yourself everyday. ❤

  3. Oh Lori, I am so sorry that you feel so overwhelmed and I wish I could be more supportive instead of another sorrowful voice in your ear. I know firsthand about shutting out the world to be left alone,….sometimes its all one’s mind and body can do. I keep hearing/reading about going thru the “process”…Well getting thru this process cant happen fast enough! And the decisions you are making, are the decisions that youfeel are best for everyone involved… You will get thru this… I know it all seems too much, but I believe it will get easier in time and make you all that much stronger to deal with life. Heres a sunny thought…everytime you are feeling overwhelmed or blue, look at your babies (I do)and the joy they bring… and than look at your best friend “Paul Nanan” lol and be thankful he is there… Because w/o him, every crisis and decision you had to deal with would seem 100,000 times harder. You gotta keep the faith…its got to get better. xoxoxo

  4. Let me say for the record. Ibanez sucks and Cliff Lee should not have been signed.

    Life does go on and there are no promises that tomorrow will be better than today. Its just going to be another day but, we do have a choice, what we are going to make of it. Do you really understand how important that choice is … what else do we have the power to choose? Living for that “better day” and you miss the day that is here today which may be the best day you will have for the rest of your life if you were to die tomorrow.

  5. Lori

    I don’t know what to say other than I am are thinking about you and sending good vibrations in your direction. What goes around always comes around, even though it does not always seem that way. You are sending good into the universe and the same will be returned.

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