Tout Va Bien!

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So, as I had hoped, I have done a lot of head- clearing on this trip. I feel like I have gotten parts of myself back….parts that I had forgotten how to tap into. Parts that, during the first six months of this year, I feared I might never find again. Alas, they are still here and just like riding a bicycle, turns out all I needed was a little practice to get going again.
In case you don’t know what I am talking about, 2011 has pretty much sucked BIG TIME for me, and for many of the people I love. The year started with a young friend getting very, very sick while visiting Paul & I from Florida. I adore this young man, and his 4 days in the hospital, 1000 miles away from his home scared me beyond belief. Teenagers are not supposed to get that sick….especially teenagers like Jacob, whose enthusiasm and love for life make my life a little more sparkly when he is around. At the same time, Paul & I knew we had to make a decision about our ancient dog, Sugar. She had gotten to the point where her brain was no longer protecting her from taking actions that could hurt her, so we decided to put her to sleep. And, to top it all off, my father shared the news that he was diagnosed with lung cancer. This was all in January…literally all at once. Then, my dad went in for surgery and spent a month in the hospital, only to seemingly recover, but, then pass away in his sleep a few weeks later. So, yea, to say it’s been rough is an understatement. I send daily silent prayers to the Universe for Jake, miss Sugar and try to focus on all the good I had with my dad. That has not been an easy task…and quite frankly, I was losing the sense of anything good before I came back to “The Beach House” here in Florida. I am trying not to have expectations about when I return to my everyday life….but, for now, all is well.
I won’t pretend that I went into this getaway without some guilt. I have always had a hard time putting my needs before other people and things. But, something in me knew it needed to be done, and I am glad I listened to that voice. While it felt self-indulgent at first, now it feels necessary. I also won’t pretend that I don’t realize how fortunate I am to be able to do this. And, I have a lot of people to thank for my good fortune. Mostly, my dad, but, also, my husband, our friend (and pet-sitter extraordinaire) Karen, our friends and family…especially Lauri & Jake, for spending easy, relaxed time with me floating in the pool and ocean, laughing and eating (healthy foods, of course).
What was it I was so afraid I might never find again in myself? A sense of gratitude, a sense of life making sense, a sense of enjoyment…a sense of it being worth trying to be happy. All of that was severely damaged. Has it all returned? For today it has, and I think that’s all any of us can ever ask for. A lesson I struggle to learn is that, too much is out of my control to focus on anything other than today.
And today, I am happy. And….tout va bien.

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